7:00pm–LIVE, from Yankee Stadium, it’s the All-Star Game.  Hey, did you hear about Josh Hamilton?  Hey, did you know this is the last year of Yankee Stadium?  Oh.  OK, then.

7:20–I am digging the Living HOFer/starter introduction.  Berry, berry nice.

7:22–Two thoughts: Better mustache–Rollie Fingers or Goose Gossage?  Eck looks like he could suit up and pitch tonight.

7:25–Just a reminder, I am an AL guy and I love this winning streak.  Suck it, Senior Circuit.

7:40–Four Yankee HOFers throw out some pitches and, mercifully, we are done.  That was cool, but continental drift is faster.

7:44–Hanley Ramirez to lead off for the Nationals.  Cliff Lee (Benton, AR) hurling for the AL.  I love Cliff Lee.

7:46–Ramirez down on strikes.  Still loving Cliffy.

7:47–Chase Utley’s “Boo? Fuck you.” ranks among my favorite live moments ever caught on tape.  That was the most real, average-guy response ever.

7:49–Utley down on strikes.  Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’.  Christ, I just quote Limp Bizkit.  I hate me.  But I love Kliff.

7:51–Lance Berkman, who I would like to be when I grow up, flies out to center.  1-2-3 for the distinguished gentleman of Cleveland.  Time to score some runs.

7:54–Ben Sheets hurling for the Nationals.  Nice of Ben, who along with Lee is on my fantasy team, to really crank it up in a contract year.  And, while we are discussing my fantasy team, Ryan Howard can die in a fire for sucking ass until right after I traded him.  I don’t give a crap if he did go to school in Springfield, MO.

7:55–Ichiro flies out to Matt Holliday.  Nice.  Way to work the count.  Do they not teach that in Asia?

7:56–Derek Jeter, Yankee Captain, gets a rousing ovation and takes his hacks.  He would be MUCH cooler if the “J” were silent, Norwegian-style.  Check swing foul.

7:56–Jeter has nearly 2,500 hits, which is not a record, but bears mentioning.  He then one-hops one into Chutley’s face and reaches first.  LET’S GO, AMERICANS!

7:57–Josh Hamilton, who is probably not high on crack right now, up.  Jeter steals second.  Geo Soto throws like a girl.  Hamilton Ks.

7:57–Dear All-Stars, Slow the hell down so I can blog.  Love, Matt.

7:58–Arod up.  I shan’t make a Madonna joke.  He shows no “Fighting Spirit” in popping out to Soto.  The play “Ain’t No Big Deal.” Damn, I tried.  Now I “Can’t Stop.”

7:59–Gatorade Ballgirl commercial.  Love it.  LOVE. IT.

8:02–Albert Pujols leads off in what looks to be Lee’s last inning.  Joe Buck is verbally fellating Albie.  McCarver is fellating himself.  Pujols out 5-3.  Lee is a god.

8:03–Larry Jones first-pitch swinging and reaches on a single up the middle.  LAR-RY!  LAAARRRRR-RRRRY!

8:04–Matt Holliday, who was totally out at home last year, also swings at Lee’s first toss.  He’s out 3-U, but Larry scoots to second.  “Scoot” is a funny word.

8:05–Ryan Braun due up.  I love Ryan Braun.  That’s a solid baseball player’s name.  I don’t even mind that his people killed Jesus, so long as he keeps hitting like this.  Yes, he’s on my fantasy team.  Braun is now 0-2.  JESUS WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE, RYAN!

8:06–Braun Ks; Lee is done.  Kliffy is a bad, bad man.

8:07–I can’t decide what is worse, stealing a bite of someone’s Queso Crunchwrap or ORDERING a Queso Crunchwrap.  Man, I could totally go for Ninfa’s right now.

8:08–Sheets deals to Man-Ram.  “Manny being Manny” is one of the more annoying media cliches.  Right up there with “Favre is a gunslinger” and “The WNBA: where dyke happens.”

8:11–Manny still hitting.  I love it when hitters work the count in the All-Star game because you can tell it pisses everyone off (Manny just Kd), but I don’t particularly like seeing my pitchers get the brunt of it.

8:12–Milton Bradley (former Indian) stands in.  I’d pay $50 to see him snap and punch someone while screaming “THIS TIME IT MATTERS!!!”

8:13–Who is crazier, Milton Bradley or Carl Everett?  I’m leaning toward the guy who thinks dinosaur bones were put here to test human faith in the Bible.  Bradley walks.

8:14–Kevin Youkilis up.  The fact that he is a starter makes me hate Red Sox fans even more.  The fact that he bats with his hands apart makes me want to deport all Greek people.

8:15–Why didn’t I use Cover It Live for this live blog like we did for the NFL Draft?  Because I am retarded.  Discuss.

8:16–Sheets is throwing GAS right now.  But it doesn’t matter because Bradley swiped second on Soto’s gay arm.  Nice toss, shitbox.  Maybe don’t wind up like you are throwing a splitter before you throw down.

8:17–Youkilis just misses doubling down the line as it hooks foul.  Then he strikes out.  Ben Sheets is his daddy.

8:18–Joe Mauer is good, don’t get me wrong, but he deserved that MVP about as much as I did.  Buck mentions being willing to let Mauer give him a Hot Carl, however.  Dunno what that is all about.  Also, a graphic just showed Mauer can’t hit the low ball.  Straight ball, he hit very much.

8:20–In case you were wondering, yes, I am drunk.  Don’t judge me.

8:21–Sheets has thrown 537 pitches this inning and he just walked Mauer.  Dustin Pedroia is up.  I’m pretty sure I could kick his ass. 1st and 2d, two out.  C’mon, Dusty.

8:22–Nope.  Flies out to center.  The Red Sox can go to Hell.

8:24–Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are accosting Yogi Berra.  Berra is jovial.  McCarver is engorged.

8:26–Joe Saunders, who looks like John Lackey, is the new AL hurler.  Kosuke Fukudome up.  Fox shows a clever graphic with all the text in Japanese.  And, by “clever,” I mean “stupid.” Fuck You, Do Me is out.

8:28–Swinging early, Soto flies out to center.  He still throws like a girl.

8:29–Hanley Ramirez, who is also on my fantasy team, is up.  I’m calling it—he goes 50-50 next year. Ramirez laces a single into right.  Bring on Chutley.

8:30–Berra just called Joe Buck, “Jack.”  Wouldn’t be a big deal, but Joe couldn’t carry Jack’s jock.

8:31–Chutley grounds out harmlessly to Youkilis, the inning and the world’s dullest interview mercifully end.  Unfortunately, McCarver’s life goes on.

8:32–That new Will Ferrell/John C. Reilly movie?  Not feeling it.  At all.

8:33–Carlos Zambrano takes the mound to face Ichiro.  I still don’t understand how Ichi hits like that, but he ropes one into right.  Let’s see if the AL continues to abuse Soto.

8:34–Yeter up. 6-4-3.  Fuck.

8:35–John Hamilton up.  Hey, Joe Buck, could you please recap his story for me?  Ahh…thank you.  I was afraid his face would show up without hearing about his crack habit.  Hamilton rolls to Utley and even a crackhead isn’t fast enough to beat that one out.  End of inning.

8:39–Roy Halladay takes over for Saunders.  I hate it when people call him “Doc.”  I also hated McGriff as “Crime Dog.”  Shouldn’t the last name have to match for the nickname to be funny?  Berkman up, this time from the left side.  And he promptly Ks.  Sit down, now.

8:40–Poo Holes up.  This game is moving right along, which is great for all of you doing live blogs.

8:41–Poo laces one off the right field wall, Ichi plays it perfectly off the corner and fires to second…OUT!  Boo motherfucking yah!  What a throw, fo’ realz!  McCarver says Ichiro is the best right fielder since Clemente.  Take that for what you will.

8:42–Chipper grounds out to short.  End of half-inning.

8:44–Arod, whose penis smells nothing “Like A Virgin,” up.  I really need to quit.  Also, the very idea of Madonna’s vag frightens me.  But that’s because I refuse to eat after Sean Penn.

8:46–Arod Ks.  We are testing the pitchers’ urine, too, right?  Wow.

8:47–Manny being target, Zambrano lobs an awful curve over his enormous melon.  Manny works the count a tad and grounds out to Chutley.  McCarver disagrees with the accuracy of an on-screen stat.  The numbers say Manny hits .165 on certain pitches; McCarver says he does not.  Sorry, Timbo, but I’m going to rely on the math.

8:48–Bradley grounds to short, but Han Ram fires high and wide and Bradley is safe.  Run, baby!  RUN!

8:49–Youkilis waits and…Bradley is picked off at first.  Zambrano apparently didn’t want to rely on Soto to throw anyone out.  End of inning.

8:54–Ervin Santana in to pitch, Hamilton moves to left, Sizemore in center.  Exciting.  Holliday to lead off for the Nationals.  Holliday destroys a 2-strike pitch into the right field seats.  NL leads 1-0.  Boo.

8:56–No, seriously, thanks Ervin.  Way to enjoy your first All Star appearance.  Maybe he’ll have better luck with Braun.

8:57–Niiiiice play up the middle by Pedroia retires Braun.  And Arod is promptly removed from the game to make way for Joe effin’ Crede.  Fuku down 0-2.

8:58–And he Ks.  Soto up.  And he Ks.  Man, glad these Cubs could be here tonight.  They are really adding to my All Star experience.  Halfway done.

9:00–Hey, there’s Nate McLouth.  And Russell Martin is receiving from Dan Haren.  Wholesale change time.  Except for Youkilis, he’s still in there.  Yay.

9:02–And Youk is gone, F-9.

9:03–Mauer up the middle, Haren gets a glove on it, fucking himself in the process.  Mauer is on.  Let’s score already!  Ian Kinsler, running for Mauer, I demand you steal right now.

9:05–Haren deals to Pedroia.  Kinsler bluffs to second but stops.  Dude, you are from Missouri, SHOW ME you can steal second.

9:06–Kinsler goes, Martin’s throw is in time but high, and Ian is safe.  Whitey ball reigns supreme in the AL right now.  Dusty walks.  Two on, one out.

9:08–Ichiro.  Last time he was up, Buck and Tim mentioned that Ichiro could conceivably reach 2,000 hits some time next season, which will only be his 9th in MLB.  Impressive.  But not as impressive as the fastball Haren just blew by Ichi for the K.

9:09–Yeter is up.  Who has banged more quality tail, Derek or Brad Pitt?

9:10–Haren is straight dealing right now.  The splitter is nigh invincible.  Jeter stays alive, works it to a full count.

9:12–Yeter grounds out, 1-3.  Poop.

9:14–Justin Duchsherearehere takes over, facing Hanley Ramirez, who singles to left.  It’s Chutley time.

9:18–Ramirez goes, but Chut fouls it off.  Blah blah blah Yankee Stadium blah history blah blah.

9:19–Sorry…got bored.

9:20–Duchshrrrrererrere has flu-like symptoms.  Tim Lincecum also has flu-like symptoms, but he was a pussy and went to the hospital.  Chut singles to right, Ramirez goes to third, and the NL is threatening.

9:21–Berkman flies out to Sizemore, Ramirez scores. 2-0 Nationals.  Jeter is promptly lifted from the game to cheers and thrown panties.  Michael Young (my fantasy team) on the field.  Pujols at bat.

9:24–Pujols up the middle for a hit, Chut moves to second.  In other news, Justin Duchsureisshit is playing like he is hung over.  Flu my ass, dude.

9:25–Larry. Discussion of Steinbrenner as a HOFer.  Yeter is in favor.  McCarver misses the whole conversation because he is waiting to talk about the Tampa Rays.

9:27–Larry down on strikes.  Holliday quickly pops out to Kinsler.  Bottom o’ six, here we come.

9:27–These Burger King commercials crack me up for some reason.  “You either discover a star or you don’t, you arrogant punk.”  Nice.

9:29–More changes in the field.  I’m not going to list them here.  No one is reading this live anyway.

9:31–Josh Hamilton facing Dan Haren and Hamilton does a line into center.  Joe Buck continues relaying the story of Josh.  In other news, I wish I were deaf.

9:32–Here’s Joe Crede.  Man,  I hate the White Sox.  Love me some Jim Thome, but hate the rest.

9:33–Crede pops out to Dan Uggla.  Here’s Sizemore, ladies.

9:34–Hamilton swipes second.  The AL cares not for the NL catchers’ arms.

9:35–Full count on Grady.  Remember last year, when the Indians were oh-so-close to the World Series?  I miss those days.

9:36–Grady Ks looking.  The lack of a backward K on my keyboard suddenly becomes an issue.

9:37–Milton Bradley gets under one, McLouth tracks it down.  End of six.

9:38–Big Mac…you SO want one.  Who the fuck came up with this retarded slogan?!?

9:39–More changes.  Still 2-0.  Braun down on Ks.

UPDATE: At this point, my baby daughter decided to wake up screaming because her stomach hurt, so I was pulled away from the game for twenty minutes.  When I got back, J.D. Drew (who I loathe) had homered to tie the game, so I didn’t want to jinx the AL by starting this back up.

Wrap-up thoughts:

1. The All-Star game still needs fixing.  But that is a separate post that I hope to get to soon.

2. The AL still owns the NL.  Life is good.

3. The NL’s defense over the 8th, 9th, 10th, and 11th was nothing short of amazing.  I have a LOT of respect for Christian Guzman this morning.

4. Re: #3…not so much you, Dan Uggla.  WOW, that was bad.

5. Michael Young is a god.

6. 12 straight years without a loss.  Sweeeeet.

I’ve been considerably more lax in posting on this site than I had hoped, and I’m sorry.  There was this little football draft
this weekend, but that’s just a lame excuse.  And not only that, but mlb.tv has proven that they really, truly hate my ass by being down for the past three days.  Seriously, if these guys weren’t a monopoly, they would’ve been out of business 85 years ago.  Incompetence is an understatement.  Even interns would do a better job than these asswipes.  OK, I feel a little better, now only if I get my $120 back.

So, now that I have apologized and begged for forgiveness, I wanted to take a quick tour of the leagues.

Hey, here’s a nice bar bet for ya: which team has the best winning percentage in the so-badass-fox-goes-crazy-with-love American League?  The Yankees???!  Why, no!  Oh, of course, it’s the Red Sawks.  Ummmm, no…..  Tigers?  Not so much.

That’s right, peeps, the Athletics have the best record in the AL.  No, they won’t keep it up, but they aren’t quite as nauseating as people thought.  I really wish I would’ve done a full league preview because the As are my pick for the AL West.  Between the Mariners and the Rangers, you’ve got a couple of really crappy teams to beat up on if you are the As.  Fortunately for the As, they got to start with a weak AL Central.

So……is the AL still the best thing in the universe Evar!?

In the NL, the Diamondbacks have the best record.  I think they’ll have the best record in baseball at the end of the season, as well.  It’s just a perfect storm of a team: Brandon Webb, Danny Haren, and a young, destructive offense.

But the Florida Marlins are leading the NL East?  Yes, it’s true.  Oddly, they have been equal opportunity badasses, picking on whomever gets in their way.  Mets?  Suck.  Braves?  Nationals?  Pshaw.

A big reason has been Scott “Psycho” Olsen, who suddenly understands that battling the opposition is far better than picking fights with your own teammates.

And if you are a Mets fan, precisely how suicidal are you?  Are you Lizzie Borden, where you want to kill and die in the chair?  Are you Kurt Cobain?  Or, *drat*, are you Jeffery Dahmer-esque?  Yeah, the Mets are 13-11, good for 2nd in the NL LEast, but the team isn’t instilling the fear I thought it would.  Carlos Delgado had a couple of bombs today, but there was talk that he would be released.  I can’t tell you how stupid that would be, but we are talking about the Mets here.

I’ve been writing about the Astros quite a bit, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about the rest of the baseballers in the league.  What you say?

When I signed on to do this blog as the only Indians fan among a bunch of Astros and Cardinals fans, I thought it was going to be awesome.  “Self,” I said to myself, “you are going to get to gloat all summer about how your team is awesome and their teams suck more ass than an Amazonian butt leach. (Author’s note: I have no idea if such a creature exists, but, if it does, it is almost certainly Amazonian in nature.)

Fast forward to April 18, 2008.  Though the Tribe throttled the Tigers last night, 11-1, and moved out of last place in the division, Cleveland still finds itself with a less-than-stellar 6-10 record, matching the Astros start (despite being roughly 188361282456 times better than Houston).  Even worse, C.C. Sabathia’s ERA is climbing faster than his cholesterol and Joe Borowski’s inflamed vagina has already caused him to blow three saves.

Rather than dwell on the bad stuff, however, I am going to force myself to come up with ten positive things about this team.  Not sure if it can be done, but here we go.

1. Detroit is even worse right now, meaning that we are ahead of the one team in the Central that people thought might beat us.
2. My prediction that Cliff Lee would return to form is looking brilliant, as he is 2-0 with an ERA smaller than Miggy Tejada’s steroid-laced nuts.
3. Francisco Liriano is, apparently, not the second-coming of Johan Santana.
4. Ryan Garko is hitting the ball hard, hitting for average, AND not striking out much.  These things all make baby jesus smile.
5. While C.C. might suck suck, Carmona is still The Truth.
6. JoBo is on the DL, meaning I can rest easier at night.  I’d rather swim through a vat of used hypodermic needles than have to rely on that turd to get three outs.
7. The next six games are against Minnesota and KC, meaning we can make up ground quickly if we put together a little run.  I am already calling tonight’s contest (Lee v. Liriano) a win.
8. I did mention that Borowski would not be pitching any time soon, didn’t I?  Oh well, it warrants repeating.  He makes Jose Valverde look like the GOOD Brad Lidge.
9. Travis Hafner seems to have re-found the power that left him last season.  By which I mean steroids, of course.
10. Given the talent on this team, we can still honestly believe that we will win the division and make the postseason.  That’s a nice feeling to have.

Wow.  I actually did it.  Things must not be quite as bad as I was thinking.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to find some ebola to help CC drop weight.

Greetings from the one fan of an American League team here at WTP. [Author’s note: I would be concerned about being grossly outnumbered, but considering I am comparing the Indians to the Cardinals and Astros, I think it’s a fair matchup.]

As I write this, the Tribe just lost to the White Sox 2-1, giving the beloved politically incorrect mascot its first loss of the year. Shockingly, the juggernaut that is the Kansas City Royals looks to have another win today against the Tigers, meaning KC will be in first place all alone here in a matter of minutes. Of course, they will be mathematically eliminated from the postseason in a matter of days, so I say “bully for you, Alex Gordon.” Or something like that.

I’m rambling. Back to my point.

Simply stated, the American League is roughly 1,354,787 times greater than the National League right now. (I did the math.) Why is this? Well, according to assmasters like Joe Buck, part of the reason is that the two biggest spenders and five of the top six spenders are American League teams. Problem is, once you get past number six, the National League more than keeps pace with the American in spending, yet the AL keeps feeding its collective dick to the NL in the All Star game year after year.

Here’s where I would insert my own theory if I had one, but I don’t. Instead, I’ll open it up to comments and suggestions. Any comments that refer to last year’s ALCS, however, will cause me to mail a turd to the commenter.

In other news…I realize that I still owe the 9 of you who read this a new, fancy, baseball-related template.  I even have a couple cool pictures already picked out for the header.  But I am lazy.  Very lazy.  Amazingly lazy.  But it will come.