I had grandiose plans of getting some content up today. However, I’m nursing an absolutely epic hang over right now - so I’m going for a bit of a cop out and just dumping some interesting baseball links here. Forgive me!

• Jose de Jesus Ortiz (who is one of two writers I will actually read at the Chron) seems to think the Astros should sign recently released Sidney Ponson. I am 100% behind this idea because it would make the ‘Stros the fattest baseball team ever. Also, every team should have an Aruban Knight.
• Jack Wilkinson has a good piece on Griffey’s 600th homer over at SI.com. I get kind of depressed anytime I read/see/think about Griffey - mostly because of the “what if.” What if this guy had stayed healthy? Bonds-Griffey would have been the ultimate good versus evil - and could have been the greatest storyline/spectacle in sports. Alas…
• Lesbians and baseball. (I know this story has already gotten a lot of traction, but I reiterate my initial point - lesbians and baseball.)
• Pujols strained his calf yesterday, probably while standing at home plate admiring his own homer - likehedoeseverysingletime. Wait what? Oh - Joe Strauss at the Post-Dispatch tells me it was while digging out a grounder. He also says a DL trip is imminent and the Flying Red Rats have already called up Chris Duncan. When reached for comment, Backe told me “He’s just scared I’m gonna whoop his ass.” You sure are, Brandon… you sure are.
• Zlatan Ibrahimovic unleashed an absolute cracker of a goal in Euro 2008 action yesterday. (Third video down) Ok so it’s not baseball related - but I just wanted to share because (a) I’m a huge soccer fan, (b) the guy’s name is ZLATAN!, and (c) it’s my post.

Alright that should be enough to keep you kids busy for a little bit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have my lunch of advil, water and prayer.

I’m not a Reds fan.

I don’t dislike them, per se, though I did root for the A’s in the 1990 World Series (note: damn you, Billy Hatcher).  More accurately, I just don’t care for them one way or the other.  I like Ken Griffey, Jr. and Brandon Phillips, but I dislike Adam Dunn and Geoff Jenkins…it’s a wash.

That’s why I can say with no worry of you calling me a “homer” that Jay Bruce is completely fucking amazing.  Seriously, through 7 games (with the seventh still in progress), he has 3 HRs, 2 SBs, 7 RBIs, and is hitting .583.  (I don’t have his updated SLB/OBP, but they are other-worldly, too.)  He has also looked incredibly solid in CF and has shown a flair for the dramatic, scoring the winning run in extra innings one night and then hitting a walk-off HR the next.

Now, of course he’s not going to hit .500 for the season and, yes, pitchers will figure him out a bit the second time he faces each of them.  But, that said, I don’t think it’s a stretch at all to project him for .320, 20 HR, 15 SB, and 80 RBIs.  Oh, and a ROY trophy.

I think I have a mancrush.

When I was five, my family rarely had the financial resources to go to baseball games.  We definitely watched our fair share on tv, and listened to Milo (back when he was coherent) on the radio.  Those were heady days for Astros fans: unlike the bandbox that is MMP, the Astrodome was a pitchers’ park extraordinaire, and the roster was shaped with that in mind.  Legendary hurlers like Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott were in their primes, backed by young goofballs like Jim Deshaies and Charlie Kerfeldt.  But I wasn’t a pitching fan back then.  I was a Jose Cruz fan.

When you look at his stats now, he’s pretty unremarkable.  He hit for average, not for power.  He was a passable but unspectacular outfielder.  His jersey is retired, but he never got any serious HoF consideration.  If Hunter Pence had less power and fewer strikeouts, that’d be the closest equivalent on our current roster.

But he was my favorite player, dammit, and on the handful of occasions during his 13 years with the ‘Stros that I got to see him play live, you couldn’t draw my attention away from him.  At the aforementioned age of five, I distinctly remember sitting the rainbow seats in the Dome (the nosebleeds) and cheering Cheo while he simply stood in left field and waited for a ball in play.  Let that sink in: I was cheering an outfielder who was just flat-out standing there.  This is why my own baseball career at the time consisted primarily of the taxonomic evaluation of dandelions.

When Cheo became the Astros first base coach, it always delighted me that he got some of the biggest cheers during the pre-game introductions.  For as many times as I’ve cursed the average baseball fan in Houston as a numbskull in search of the Almighty Longball with no sense of history or proportion, the ovations that Cruz receives always restore a little of my faith.

Naturally, when the Astros signed Jose Cruz, Jr. to a minor-league contract this offseason, I got all misty thinking about the opportunity to cheer for another Jose Cruz.  When he tore the cover off the ball in Spring Training, leap-frogging all the other candidates for the fifth outfielder role, I was even more excited.

And then the regular season started.

Cheito, you’re like a hot girl with an annoying voice.  Every fiber of my being says that I should love you, but then you start to do your thing, and it makes me want to bathe with electric eels. You’re awful as a pinch hitter, man.  Just a fucking tragedy.  Last night, when you couldn’t bring in either of the two runners who could’ve salvaged the ugliest game of the season so far, I had a moment of clarity wherein I understood why monkeys fling their feces.

So with that in mind, and his .065 average making Hunter look like freaking Ichiro, it’s time for the good of the team to come ahead of the last name.   Victor Diaz is tearing up the ball in Round Rock, and certainly couldn’t do much worse than 3 hits for the whole season.   It’s time to cut the losses and get a more reliable bat for the bench.

I’ve loved the Cruz family since 1985.  But I also loved Michael Jackson back then, and my therapist says it’s time to let that one go, too

St. Louis Cardinals (5-1) @ Houston Astros (2-5)

Round 1:

Todd Wellemeyer (1-0) 

v.

Wandy Rodriguez (0-0)

Well, it sure didn’t take long for all of us to jump into our first series match-up since we started this here thing we call WTP.  Luckily for me, I have the advantage of being able to gloat just a little as our teams sit at opposite ends of the NL Central standings going into tonight’s game.  5-1?!?  WOW!  What a start!  Yes, as I stated here, I truly believed that these Cardinals would fair much better than what most of the so-called experts were predicting–mainly because I believed that Rick Ankiel’s hitting from last year was no fluke, thought our middle infield would fair far better as a whole (y’all don’t realize the intense hatred I had for that little league “shortstop” we carried for far too long), still thought we had the best bullpen in the division, and really loved the way we competed and won game after game to close out Spring Training.  But this?!?  The best starting pitching in the league after Week 1?!?  Granted, it’s only Week 1 and the starters will eventually come back to earth, not to mention we had the luxury of opening our season at Busch II, but I certainly could not have dreamed of a better start to the ‘08 campaign. 

So, other than the phenomenal performances turned in by this makeshift rotation, who else has impressed?  Obviously, it’s Rick Ankiel.  This mancrush is just getting out of hand now.  The guy just continues to come up big in clutch situations, hit for power, and his success versus lefties is something that I didn’t see coming.  His outfield defense has even been far better than first advertised; his catch in the 8th inning yesterday was Jimmy Edmonds-esque (minus the bad first step).  Adam Kennedy, at least so far, looks much more like the guy that played in Anaheim, er, Los Angeles, er whateverthefuck (as opposed to the assclown that showed up last year).  Kyle McClellan, the local St. Louis product, is proving to have a lot of grit and guts coming out of the ‘pen as he offsets not having Russ Springer down there with Ryan Franklin setting up for Izzy.  And Brian Barton, the Rule 5 castaway from Matty’s Indians, has continued to hit and may have even bumped Skip Schumaker from the leadoff and starting outfield spot.  Hell, LaRussa even went with the same exact line-up yesterday that he used the day before!  All this Redbird talk and I didn’t even have to mention that Pujols guy.  Amazing stuff so far!

**Update: Troy Glaus is still a big flappin’ pussy, but at least he’s turned in some decent glove work the past two games. 

So, what’s up with those Stros besides injuries to Berkman and Wigginton, being completely owned by Derek Lee over the weekend, and Your Boy Roy giving up 21 hits in his first two starts?  The one-run losses have to be frustrating–looks like you guys have been in every game this year.  Any anal fissures updates?  Tejada is actually lookin’ good out there for ya.

Greetings from the one fan of an American League team here at WTP. [Author’s note: I would be concerned about being grossly outnumbered, but considering I am comparing the Indians to the Cardinals and Astros, I think it’s a fair matchup.]

As I write this, the Tribe just lost to the White Sox 2-1, giving the beloved politically incorrect mascot its first loss of the year. Shockingly, the juggernaut that is the Kansas City Royals looks to have another win today against the Tigers, meaning KC will be in first place all alone here in a matter of minutes. Of course, they will be mathematically eliminated from the postseason in a matter of days, so I say “bully for you, Alex Gordon.” Or something like that.

I’m rambling. Back to my point.

Simply stated, the American League is roughly 1,354,787 times greater than the National League right now. (I did the math.) Why is this? Well, according to assmasters like Joe Buck, part of the reason is that the two biggest spenders and five of the top six spenders are American League teams. Problem is, once you get past number six, the National League more than keeps pace with the American in spending, yet the AL keeps feeding its collective dick to the NL in the All Star game year after year.

Here’s where I would insert my own theory if I had one, but I don’t. Instead, I’ll open it up to comments and suggestions. Any comments that refer to last year’s ALCS, however, will cause me to mail a turd to the commenter.

In other news…I realize that I still owe the 9 of you who read this a new, fancy, baseball-related template.  I even have a couple cool pictures already picked out for the header.  But I am lazy.  Very lazy.  Amazingly lazy.  But it will come.

Ok, a legendary terrible pitcher.  We’re only one game in and I’m already grumbling about the Cards.  As if having our four-run opening inning washed away on Monday wasn’t bad enough, I tune back in for Opening Day: Part Deux last night to see Houston native Kip “7-17″ Wells come back to town to shut down our bats, Troy Glaus and his iron glove remind us he ain’t no Scotty Rolen in the field (seriously, I hated Rolen, but Pretty Boy Troy BETTER hit 30HR or he gets anthrax in the mail), Ryan Franklin make me to continue to wonder if ‘07 was a fluke, and one of our “key” lefties in the bullpen walk in the winning run for Colorado (making your boy Taylor Buchholz the winner).  The middle of the line-up goes 1-11.  Fucking outstanding.  I guess the only silver lining to the re-start of the season is that Kyle Lohse continued to build on his two terrifc Spring Training starts–I’m desperately hoping the guy can win 12-14 games and keep that ERA down in the low 4s.  Oh, and we’re still 1/2 game up on your beloved Astros, who seem to have left their bats at Osceola County Stadium.

The attempt at live-blogging didn’t go off so well. I learned that it’s a helluva lot easier to blog when you aren’t being social at the same time. Oh well.

Some completely random and quick Opening Day thoughts (The Man has me on a huge hamster wheel today):

* Dear Pirates: Trade Xavier Nady now. He serves no purpose on your team, and his value will never be higher.

* What vaunted offense? Jake Peavy shut down the Astros easily. Sure, that’s a tough assignment for any team, but I just don’t think the offense will be nearly as tough as thought. Add on that we are extremely right-handed heavy, I think we’ll be especially ineffective against righties. Oh, and Ass-mass got the start. Well done, Coop, well done.

* DisplacedTexan and Nash both mentioned Eric Gagne and Kerry Wood imploding, which was definitely fun. But here’s the difference between good roster management and player development than not.

- Home-grown Carlos Marmol whiffed three of the four batters he faced. Even though he took the loss, Bob Howry can close, and Michael Wuertz has closer stuff. Wood may not hold on to the closer role, but there’s three legit backups if he falters.

- Milwaukee can fall back on David Riske and Derrick Turnbow, both of whom have previously closed.

- So, what happens if Valverde gets hurt? Who becomes the Stros closer? Doug Brocail? Shawn Chacon? Oscar Villareal? Joe Sambito??? Crap.

Let’s revisit those ‘08 NL Central predictions I so courageously laid out for y’all the other day:

1. St. Louis
2. Cincinnati
3. Chicago
4. Milwaukee
5. Houston
6. Pittsburgh

One thing you’ll soon learn about me is that I’m generally a pessimist when it comes to most things (I call it being a realist, but whatever), sports being no exception.  But I’m also quite proud of my Fanhood, and therefore force myself to be eternally optimistic at the beginning of every season (being a loyal St. Louis Rams fan kind of forces a guy to be like that…man, we suck).  On top of that, I went into this blog knowing I would have be THE Cardinals apologist and defender in blog dominated by Astros fans, so I couldn’t resist the desire to make a splash and fire the first shot because I know full well what’s coming from you guys all season long.  But I’m going to gladly take that ball and run with it because most of all, I LOVE talkin’ baseball with other knowledgeable fans, especially fellow NL Central followers.  I think we’re all going to have a great love/hate relationship going on here.  No doubt I’ll have a pro-Cardinals twist going on, but I imagine most of the time you’ll find I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em with a very level head.  And I know the first time I hit you with a take like “Kyle Lohse could be a steal for us”/”Troy Glaus isn’t a total pussy,” you’ll remind me how totally wrong I am.  All that being said, I give you my “real” ‘08 NL Central predictions:

1. Cincinnati (87-75)

Like some of the other so-called experts, I see these guys as a team on the rise.  They have some guys that have played together a while and seemed poised to make a run.  I think Dunn/Griffey give them 70 combined HRs again, Corey Patterson actually has a decent year in CF (if not, prospect Bruce is waiting for his job), Edwin Encarnacion has somewhat of a breakout year at 3B, and they continue to get great play up the middle from Phillips and Gonzalez.  But as we all know, it’s their improved pitching that’s put them back on the map–Harang is solid, Arroyo should bounce back, and everyone seems eager to see if Volquez and Cueto can build on their outstanding Spring Training numbers.  I think finally having a real closer for the 9th inning may be the thing that improves this club the most–they may have overpaid for Francisco Cordero to get him, but given their struggles in the 9th inning the past few years, I say it’s going to prove to be money well spent (while at the same time hurting Milwaukee).  Once again, Dusty Baker seems to land at the right time and get some undeserved credit because this team is in a great position right now.

2. Chicago (83-79)

I think the pundits out there saying it’s finally their time to win a championship are crazy, but there’s just too much offensive firepower there for them to not finish second in this division.  A great blend of proven hitters and up-and-coming offensive talent.  I’m not real big on their pitching–I think after Zambrano there’s not much to be excited about (Hill/Lilly/Dempster?  Woo friggin’ hoo.)  Wood is going to flop as the closer, just as he has flopped at life following his rookie campaign.  I think they’ll finish around .500 and not even be in real contention for the Wild Card (which is probably headed to the NL East runner-up).

3. St. Louis (81-81)

Saying they have a shot at the division is ludicrous, no doubt about that.  .500 might even be unreachable with our starting pitching.  But I really do believe that all of this talk of 5th place or even finishing off the plank behind the Pirates is just dead wrong.  Why?  I really think we have the best bullpen in the division–Milwaukee should, but GagMe was a waste of money and losing Cordero is going to hurt.  Yes, the starting pitching sucks–but it pretty much does all throughout this division.  I realize to even finish in third is going to require getting something out of Mulder or Carpenter on down the road, which is certainly no sure thing.

I think our offense, while certainly not on par with the Cubbies, Reds, or even the Astros, is going to be a whole lot better than last year–I’m sold on Ankiel having a great year (25-30HR/90RBI) and Skip Schumaker actually turning out to be a huge upgrade over Eckstein leading off.  Yes, we all know Troy Glaus is a big ol’ flappin’ pussy.  But after barely being able to stomach watching Scott Rolen’s sorry ass last year, I think my boy Troy outproduces The Whiner offensively–even if he only plays 130 games.  There’s no way Adam Kennedy can play worse than he did last year, so hopefully 2B is a slight improvement as well.  I think hope Pujols can play through all this elbow bidness and put up his regular MVP-type numbers and carry us. 

4. Milwaukee (76-86)

This team should’ve made the playoffs last year.  While many think they’re a team on the verge–kind of like those young Cleveland Indians the last few years–I think they missed their shot and are going to be a disappointment this year.  Fielder is certainly a legitmate masher who will produce.  Braun?  Great young hitter, but I see a Ryan Zimmerman type sophomore year for him.  I’ll never be sold on Hardy/Weeks, and Corey Hart was a one-year wonder.  Like with most teams, it comes down to pitching, and while the Brew Crew seems to have more than others–Sheets will probably have a great year since he’ll be leaving town in ‘09–Suppan and Bush don’t do much for me behind him.  Parra/Gallardo/Villanueva?  Maybe one of them will emerge, but certainly not all three.  Like I mentioned before, their bullpen won’t come close to matching what it did last year.  I expect a huge step back for Yost’s boys and predict him to be the first manager fired in ‘08.

5. Astros (75-87)

If all the veterans stayed healthy, this team could hit just enough to stay in contention for a while.  But with everyone approaching 35 years old, I’m just afraid there’ll be a few too many trips to the DL for the ‘Stros to hang.  This team seems to have let itself become a lot like those late 90s Orioles teams in that it got real old real soon after a nice string of playoff appearances, but was forced to stick it out for a couple of extra years because of so many bloated long-term contracts.  The starting pitching?  Yikes.  Not that the Cards are one bit better, but when Chacon is your #4 starter, you have some serious issues. 

I do like that Hunter Pence fella, however.  I actually hope he goes 30/30 for you guys.  I also hope Carlos Lee chokes on a fish taco.

6. Pirates (62-100)

These guys are shitty.  Not much else to say.  Both the Cards or Astros could sure use an Ian Snell, huh?