Archive for the ‘Roger Clemens is an insatiable asshole’ Category

Posted by bigfatdrunk on June 10, 2008

Clemens teaches us you *can* pitch with a hard-on

Posted under Roger Clemens is an insatiable asshole

With a ship in every port, Roger Clemens needed all the help he could muster.  It must be damn hard for a man to be both a pitcher and a sex stud.  Can you imagine how tired his legs must’ve been?  So he did what all of us middle-aged men do*: he popped viagra.

For the record, I don’t have the biggest schlong in the world, but there’s no way I could pitch with a boner.  Or wear a jock.  Especially with a cup.

* Or not.  Some good web porn usually does it for me.  Oh, and my wife.  And that hottie at work.  And that one time at….

Posted by bigfatdrunk on May 27, 2008

Rights and Wrongs: 5/27 - 4 and 3 and pissing up a tree!

Posted under 2008 Season, Astros, Brad Ausmus is the worst Astro evar!, Ed Wade hurts my brain, Rights and Wrongs, Roger Clemens is an insatiable asshole, RoyO

It was another above-.500 week for the hometown heroes, but the first thing that catches your eye is:

Runs Scored:  30

Runs Against: 40

Sure, most of that differential was Sunday’s blowout craptacular, but that’s still a ton of runs to give up in a single week.

Good news first:

Carlos Lee: 12 RBI in 25 ABs on the week?  That’s like *mumble to self for a moment* a whole shitload of RBI for one week.  Puma deserves man-crush status, and there’s been a lot of love for Pence and Matsui, but Lee has been dead-on tough all year.  RBI is a team stat, but driving in 12 out of 30 runs for the week is uh-mazing.

Puma: 880 OPS on the week, but five runs scored.  He’s starting to come down from his high, but he’s still playing extremely well (though, and is it me?, or is his defense at first sometimes adventurous?).

Hunter Pence: Three bombs and five runs.  He’s recovering from his first month slump well.

Michael Bourn: An 800 OPS?  Five SBs with no caught stealing?  But even with this week, he had only one BB with seven strikeouts.

 Ty Wiggington?:  Seriously?  Is that six doubles and nine hits in just 17 ABs?  It did seem like he was on 2nd most of the week.

Brandon Backe: His best season is coming after a TJ reconstruction?  Should we goon him up over the winter (kidding!)?

Chris Sampson: He hates him some Cubs, but he got lit up in his second start of the week.  His ERA is 6.04, and he’s only striking out 4.5/9IP. We need to do something about his slot, and quickly.

Shawn Chacon: Wow, what can you say?  He hates the Cubs more than Sampson.  His WHIP and ERA don’t match up well, but I am truly surprised Chacon has been this effective after being lit up like a Christmas tree for most of his career.

Scuffy Moehler???: And then you get two nice starts from Scuffy.  It was a good week to be a Stro starting pitcher.

Wait a minute!  We gave up almost 6 runs a game over the week.  What happened?

The bad:

Roy: Another rough start, giving him 22 HA in just 12 IP in his last two starts…which look a lot like his first couple of weeks of the season.  It’s the hits that worry me the most, which is adding to an atrocious WHIP.  I’m still worried about his health, whether it’s just his hip (last week), his groin (chronic), or something different.

Wesley Wright: Wright in April: 4.15 ERA, 5 BB and 11 K in 8.2 IP.  In May?  7 BB and 3(!) K in 9 IP.  He pitched so well in April that it was hard to remember he’s a Rule V pick, but he has been struggling pretty badly.  In addition, even as bad as his numbers are belie the fact that he’s missing spots.

Dave “Molotov Cocktail”  Borkowski and Fernando”Boom Boom” Nieve: I think it’s safe to say that Nieve needs more seasoning, and Borkowski is done.

Miggy Tejada: 680 OPS.  His power is disappearing, and he still doesn’t draw walks.

Kaz Matsui: 427 OPS, but the silver lining is that he drew four walks.  His huge uptick in walks has kept him valuable.  We need him to sustain.

JR Towles and Brad Ausmus: Dear Mr. Coop, Please either play Towles or send him to AAA.  Either way, keep Ausmus the fuck off the field.  Thank you for your patronage.

Summary:

One of the biggest knocks against Ed Wade when he was hired was that he didn’t know how to piece together a bullpen, and that problem is glowing loudly for the 2008 Astros.  The bullpen is pathetic except for Doug Brocail and Jose Valverde.  Even Oscar Villareal, who I thought would be a great pickup, has sucked ass.  We traded away a ton of our minor league depth in the off-season, and we’ve got almost nothing to tap on the farm.

My first suggestion would be to replace Sampson in the rotation and move him to the pen.  And, if we could, get a second pitcher and move Chacon to he pen, as well (I have this playing with matches feel about Chacon).

Could Roger Clemens be an answer?  I think, if we are serious about making a run, he should be considered.

Posted by bigfatdrunk on May 3, 2008

Bullet point fiesta: Tejada = Ruth and > Coop

Posted under 2008 Season, Astros, Barbaro is still dead, Bloggerating, Like getting fucked by a clydesdale, Roger Clemens is an insatiable asshole

Too tired, stressed, and distracted for a real post, but here’s some serious fluff for my peeps (without bullet points!).

Evidently, Miggy Tejada is sooooo good, he can call his shot.  If you’ve ever seen one of the worst sports movies of all time, William Bendix’s betrayal (sic) of Babe Ruth in “The Babe Ruth Story,” you’ll know that the Babe did the same exact thing.  Cept, according to biographer Marshall Smelser, Ruth, ummmm, didn’t.  I mean, really, no player does that.  Maybe Miggy knew that Carlos Villanueva was going to be serving up gopher balls all night long (10,000 lake oysters?).  Who knows, but it took a lot of guts, to be sure.

Still, little Joey almost DIED when “Coop” Cooper choked.  Don’t we learn anything in this topsy-turvy world, dude?

Oh yeah, it’s like this.

I am a weepy, sentimental bastard this days, but Eight Belles was put down at the Churchill Downs after an amazing run.  I used to spend some time around horses, and I still get to say “Hi” every once in a while, but these injuries always make me sad in a non-obsessive-about-Barbaro kind of way.  Horses really do have unique personalities that you do get to know and love.  But, it does make me wonder what we would’ve done with Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio if they were horses.  Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Finally, congrats to “ship in every port” Roger Clemens.  I’m sure that, considering you have shown yourself to be such an honorable man, there’s NOBODY who’ll every believe you were shootin’ roids.  Nobody.  Nope.  Never.