The Astros team I feared in the offseason? The one with no pitching what so ever and a streaky, long-ball based offense? Yeah - I found them. And since they are playing Baltimore, they’re even in my TV viewing area! Which means I’ve been able to watch it live and on TV! If you need me, I’ll be over here crying myself to sleep because I see no fixes in the near future and nothing coming up from the farm.

That’s a long way of saying the following - it’s time to fire Ed Wade and Cecil Cooper. To be fair, Ed Wade should never have been hired in the first place. There are not actually words in the English language to express my utter dislike of Ed Wade. “But he drafted Utley, Rollins and Howard for the Phillies!” And tried shipping two of them out of town for crappy veterans. I really don’t understand - the model for sustainability is to develop a strong farm system and compliment it with key veteran/free-agent signings. Look no further than the Red Sox. The core of that team is home-grown talent (Ellsbury, Masterson, Paplebon, Youk) with some fantastic free agents. So what do we do? Ship whatever is left and bring in aging veterans like Tejada and Matsui. This, friends, is not a recipe for success. And don’t tell me we can’t afford that model - look at our payroll.

And as for Cooper? I no longer can justify his moves. He rests veterans for inexplicable reasons, makes curious pitching decisions, and just generally seems out of his league. Gah!

I understand this is a long rambling rant from a disgruntled fan. But watching the Good Guys play ball the last few days has been nothing short of distressing. And the Cubs are in first. God I hate baseball.

A day late and a buck short (no seriously, BFD doesn’t pay me – does someone have bus money?)  Nevertheless, here is this week’s power ranking!  No change at the top, but since I have the attention span of a – hey look over there!  Er yeah… wholesale changes everywhere else.

1.  Gaza Hezballers: The Hezballers hold on to the top spot, mostly because I’m still dominating my fantasy league by a ridiculous 19 points.  Seriously – the last three years I’ve finished dead last.  This is about the best thing going for me right now.

2.  The New York Mets:  I like a team that provides me comic relief.  And nothing says big dysfunctional family like firing your manager, pitching coach and hitting first base coach after back-to-back wins – and releasing the statement at 3:15AM EST!  Honestly, Omar Minaya gets too much of a free pass – he’s made some truly awful signings, and expecting to contend with a team that would rather read Readers Digest and watch Matlock than play baseball isn’t usually a winning formula.

3.  Hank Steinbrenner:  Special thanks to the ever-vigilant Crawfish Boxes for pointing this one out to me.  And I quote: “My only message is simple,” Steinbrenner said in Tampa, Fla. “The National League needs to join the 21st century. They need to grow up and join the 21st century.”  There are limitless possibilities there – seriously, free-for-all in the comments.

4.  Tiger Woods:  Look, I’m not really a golf guy.  I enjoy it in HD because it’s pretty to watch – but my interest extends only as far as Tiger’s in contention.  That said, you have no soul if you weren’t consumed by the Saturday-Sunday-Monday spectacle that took place.  His Saturday round was completely ridiculous, and he birdied 18 TWO days in a row to prolong the tournament.  All on a bum knee.  That, friends, is complete and total domination of a sport.

5.  The NL West:  One team over .500?  Check!  Reigning NL Champions in last?  Check!  General indifference of national media?  Check!  Ladies and gentlemen your NL West!  After a sizzling start the D-backs have stuttered back down to earth.  Joe Torre doesn’t seem to be able to get Dodger fans in the stands before the 3rd inning (though to be fair, who can?)  And only one team has scored over 300 runs so far this season.  Thankfully this sort of anemic baseball only airs after 10pm.

Sidenote: Guess who’s calling the College World Series?  Robin Ventura!  Does anyone – ANYONE – look at that guy and not think “got his ass kicked by 40-year old Nolan Ryan”?

Real life has been real busy lately, and this will be a quick edition of rights and wrongs.

Rights:

Carlos Lee, Darin Erstad, and Miggy Tejada all put up OPS better than 900.

Brad Ausmus and Michael Bourn both had OPS over 790.

And that’s about it.

Wrongs:

Team batting line for the week: .263 avg, .306 OBP, .351 SLG, for an OPS of 657.  Hunter Pence was 2-23 for the week.

Worst of all, and I harp about it constantly, is our inability to draw walks.  In 206 PAs, we drew the grand total of 12 walks.  To put it in perspective, the “normal” season for a starter is a little over 600 PAs.  As a team over the course of a season, we would’ve had 36 BB and 114 Ks.  That’s downright NEIFI!-esque, and it’s why we are struggling.  As nice as it is to hit home runs, you’ve got to put people on base.  Out-making is not a viable offensive strategy, but it’s what we are doing.

Speaking of out-making, Friday’s game deserves the ole’ pink highlighter treatment thanks to all the caught stealings (CS).  For the week, were had 8 SB and 5 CS, which, in reality, is just below the steal break even ratio of about 67% (in other words, you must be successful on 67% on your steal attempts for the steals to be worth it).  But that doesn’t include a huge out by Hunter on the bases in Saturday’s game.

And the pitching?  For the week, we had an ERA of 7.01 with a WHIP of 1.65.  *We* walked 29 BB in just 54 innings, which gave our opponents a net gain of 17 baserunners.  That’s three baserunners per game via walk alone.

Roy, who had his best start of the season earlier in the week, got lit up on Sunday.  Shawn Chacon had the only other quality start for the team with his outing.  For almost everybody else, it was fuggly.

After failing to take advantage of a week of home-cooking, we again hit the road where we’ve struggled with a 16-21 record.  We kick off the festivities at Baltimore, and we wind up the week with one of the surprise teams of the year, the Tampa Bay Satan Worshippers.  They’ve been my second favorite team to watch this year, so I’m excited about the match-up.

I don’t get home to Houston much and when I do it’s usually holiday season - which means no baseball.  So whenever I get a chance to catch a game at Minute Maid, I’m usually pretty damn excited about it.  Just such an occasion presented itself to me this year.  Of course the only series I could see was against the Washington Nationals - a team I’ll spend all summer watching since I’m living here - but whatever!  It’s Astros baseball!  It’s Minute Maid!  It’s cheering for the home team for once!

But something peculiar caught my eye when I was purchasing tickets.  There were two sets of prices - one column of costs a full 50% more than the regular ticket prices!  “Have we started charging for premium games against the Cubs and Cardinals or something?  Rivalry games?” I asked myself.  Oh no.  These were the special costs for the home series against the Yankees and Red Sox.  Areyoufreakingkiddingme?

Look - I can understand the idea of fleecing every Masshole and Bleacher Creature roaming the streets of the Greater Houston Area.  But that’s the sort of bullshit gimmick reserved for teams that can’t sell out the cheap seats.  The Astros don’t have that problem.  Despite hiring Ed Wade and fielding a beer league softball team - the team still sells tickets.  The fans still come out.  People still care - and more importantly still PAY.  So to jack up the prices on everyone just because the storied Yankees and Red Sox are coming to town is an insult to any and every Astros fan.

What exactly are you charging me extra for?  To see the decaying corpse of Mussina take the mound?  The right to boo Andy P?  The chance to high-five Manny when he jumps the fence for no good reason? (Ok that I’d pay to do.)  But the point remains - what makes them so damned special?  If Bristol wants to fluff these two teams nine months out of the year, that’s their prerogative.  But for Uncle Drayton to pass the buck on to the regular Astro fan - that’s unconscionable.

Just needed to get that off my chest.  If any of you lads bit the bullet and paid the premium - please share with me below why!  And if it was worth it.

OFF TOPIC:  RIP Tim Russert.  For a political junky like me, Meet the Press is as much a part of my week as box scores and breakfast.  He was the finest and most objective political journalist left - and he will be missed.

I had grandiose plans of getting some content up today. However, I’m nursing an absolutely epic hang over right now - so I’m going for a bit of a cop out and just dumping some interesting baseball links here. Forgive me!

• Jose de Jesus Ortiz (who is one of two writers I will actually read at the Chron) seems to think the Astros should sign recently released Sidney Ponson. I am 100% behind this idea because it would make the ‘Stros the fattest baseball team ever. Also, every team should have an Aruban Knight.
• Jack Wilkinson has a good piece on Griffey’s 600th homer over at SI.com. I get kind of depressed anytime I read/see/think about Griffey - mostly because of the “what if.” What if this guy had stayed healthy? Bonds-Griffey would have been the ultimate good versus evil - and could have been the greatest storyline/spectacle in sports. Alas…
• Lesbians and baseball. (I know this story has already gotten a lot of traction, but I reiterate my initial point - lesbians and baseball.)
• Pujols strained his calf yesterday, probably while standing at home plate admiring his own homer - likehedoeseverysingletime. Wait what? Oh - Joe Strauss at the Post-Dispatch tells me it was while digging out a grounder. He also says a DL trip is imminent and the Flying Red Rats have already called up Chris Duncan. When reached for comment, Backe told me “He’s just scared I’m gonna whoop his ass.” You sure are, Brandon… you sure are.
• Zlatan Ibrahimovic unleashed an absolute cracker of a goal in Euro 2008 action yesterday. (Third video down) Ok so it’s not baseball related - but I just wanted to share because (a) I’m a huge soccer fan, (b) the guy’s name is ZLATAN!, and (c) it’s my post.

Alright that should be enough to keep you kids busy for a little bit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have my lunch of advil, water and prayer.

Super quick-hitter today.

Recap: I remember you now, Roy.  Puma a One-Man Wrecking Crew on offensive.  6-1 good guys.

Preview: Manny Parra versus Brandon Backe.  Parra is the dude who threw a perfecto against Round Rock last year.  Backe now thinks he’s a strikeout artist.  Milwaukee torched Backe for 3 HR in just 5 IP the last time they faced Backe.  I don’t know what it is about this match-up, but it looks fun.

With a ship in every port, Roger Clemens needed all the help he could muster.  It must be damn hard for a man to be both a pitcher and a sex stud.  Can you imagine how tired his legs must’ve been?  So he did what all of us middle-aged men do*: he popped viagra.

For the record, I don’t have the biggest schlong in the world, but there’s no way I could pitch with a boner.  Or wear a jock.  Especially with a cup.

* Or not.  Some good web porn usually does it for me.  Oh, and my wife.  And that hottie at work.  And that one time at….

Congrats to Ken Griffey, Jr., for hitting #600 last night.  I was able to watch the game with one eye, and it was exciting to see that.

6/10 Preview: The Rampaging Alcoholics and the Stros have swapped home sweeps this year, and the Alcoholics start a three game stint in our ‘hood tonight.

Tonight’s matchup is Seth McClung versus Roy Oswalt.  Roy’s been so bad this year that McClung has both the better ERA and WHIP.  Which is depressing.  The Stros get a bit of a break as Rickie Weeks was put on the DL last night.  The Alcoholics, of course, will get a break is Brad Ausmus is anywhere near the stadium at game time.

I’ve never fully understood the appeal of power rankings – a completely arbitrary list compiled by a bunch of random journalists that shows… uh… what exactly?  Which team is more powerful?  Well that’s a load of bullshit.  How can a Marlin be more powerful than an Astros?  An Astro can go to the fucking moon!  Who would you take in a fight?  A brew master or an angel?  I’m just saying…

Nevertheless – arbitrary lists pass for journalist gold these days, which means I’d be remiss not to jump on that gravy train and hit my Rick Reily-like weekly word requirement.  (BFD is a tough but fair master.)

1.  Gaza Hezballers:  This is my fantasy team.  They are in first place, 19pts ahead of second place.  This qualifies as an American History X curb stomping – and for that they get the inaugural top spot.  How are they so good?  Edinson Volquez, Brian McCann, Nate McClouth and Tim Lincecum – just to name a few.  Nothing like stroking your own ego…

2.  Peter Gammons: He may be the last vestige of good journalism over at tWWL, and while you can sense that Bristol has started to taint his soul – he is still the pinnacle of baseball journalism.  Plus he recovered from an aneurism and continues to write.  Plus he plays guitar and has a rock album.  Seriously, guy is a complete and total badass.

3.  Tampa Bay Devil Rays: How can you not be rooting for these guys?  The definition of a garbage franchise, they’re 1.5 games back of the Red Sox, are tied for the third best record and have the fourth best team ERA in the AL.  Think about that for a second.  The Devil Rays have solid pitching.  (Sidenote: Come back Hunsicker!  All is forgiven!  We’ve stuffed Drayton in a broom closet!  Please!)

4.  Vampire Weekend: A little on the poppy side, but it’s an unbelievably catchy album.  Just good music that puts me in a good mood.  Hard to argue with that.  Also, they ask the poignant question – “who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?”  Who indeed.

5.  Chipper Jones: You have no idea how hard this is for me.  The Atlanta Braves ruined more than a few baseball seasons for me, and Jones was right at the heart of that.  That being said – behind the 55 56 (epic fail!) game hit streak, I’m of the opinion the hardest thing for a hitter to pull off is a .400 avg.  Jones is hitting .420, 219 Abs into the season.  I know Big Puma is absolutely raking – but what Jones is doing is equally ridiculous.

My favorite player growing up was Craig Biggio. I modeled my little league-self after him. Contact hitter, 1^st or 2^nd in the line-up, playing solid 2B. And boy did I love playing baseball. But then me and baseball had a nasty falling out. Try explaining to a 10 year old that his favorite sport is on holiday because the players he loved watching wanted more money – it doesn’t compute.

So then came my experimentation phase. Football, basketball, hockey, racing – you name it, I started watching it. And this all contributed to the sports fan I am today – a fanatic. There is practically no sport I wont watch (except NBA basketball) and I spend large portions of my day scouring the internet for information on everything – from F1 and IRL results to NFL training camp news to European soccer transfer rumors. Shit, I’ve even watched cricket… and enjoyed it! (With the assistance of about six pints of Stella.)

But you can never deny your first love – and that’s baseball, and that’s the Astros. So when the blogging masterminds of BFD, Matt, Tim and crew crafted this small corner of the interweb to muse, bitch and blog about baseball – I was tres excited. And since I want to see this site keep churning out nonsense and build its own little baseball community – I’ve offered up my services.

So what can you expect from me? Well, I’m not 100% sure yet. I’m guessing an initial burst of content fueled entirely by my general excitement of having an outlet and an (I think?) audience. Hopefully after that – settling into a stable and consistent routine. Geographic and financial factors (I live/study/work on the East Coast now) have conspired to limit my ability to actually SEE the Astros, so there may be a lot of just general baseball musings. Oh and definitely some fantasy (NEEEERRRRRD!) jabbering – since for the first time in my fantasy life, I’m in first.

That was a long way of saying hello. I’m DisplacedTexan. And I’m a sports-aholic.

PS: Bonus points if you get the reference in the title.